Wednesday, March 14, 2007
The Top 10 Television Girlfriends
Holy bananas it is beautiful in New York right now. People are smiling, bums are being a little less surly, great time to be alive. The NCAA tourney starts today. I don't like to brag (ok I do BIG TIME) but the last two years I have picked 3 out of the 4 Final Four teams as well as the finals and overall winner. In case you’re looking for some last minute bracket info here are my final four picks (Kansas, Georgetown, Florida, and Louisville). Louisville was a tough choice, that second round match up with Texas A&M is a coin flip. What's that you don't care? Fair enough. Also in the sports world today, Pete Rose admitted that he bet on his team every night while manager for the Reds. In other news fire is hot and ice is cold. Duh Pete anymore blockbusters for us? Want to talk about how there might have been steroids in baseball? Right now we have bigger issues to discuss. Like: What television character would make the best real life girlfriend? Well it just so happens I made a list. I think I am an expert on the subject for the following reasons:
1. I have no life
2. I live a rich fantasy life
3. I spend an inordinate amount of time watching television
4. Whatever happened to Sixpence None the Richer? That's not a reason...but c'mon, did they fall off the earth?
5. My roommate is standing in front of me playing his guitar with one leg on the coffee table...literally like three feet from me. He's a dude. Weird.
6. I know a lot about women. Even though my life is very contradictory to that fact...here we go...
Top 10 TV Girlfriends:
In no particular order…except numerical...
10. Rory Gilmore- Rory not only goes to Yale but is also up on all the latest pop culture trends and music happenings...or so I heard. I don't watch the Gilmore Girls I'm a dude. Is it hot in here? Leave me alone. Oh she has a hot mom which is also a plus, especially if your life turns into some sort of weird lifetime movie starring Brian Austin Green.
9. Donna Pinciotti (That 70's Show)- Donna was a single man's dream. The hot girl next door who would hang out with your nerdy friends and then go out back and beat you in basketball. What Donna didn't know was that she was clearly adopted. There is no way Bob and Midge made her. All three look nothing alike. Awesome job casting department.
8. Daria- Ok I know what you’re thinking. Daria is a social outcast...outcast like a fox. She is smart, witty, and actually really funny when you get to know her. If you put some makeup on her and give her a tiny makeover she is a stone cold fox. Most guys would go for Brittany, but I'm a Daria man. You should date her, you know if you can get past dating a cartoon.
7.Alex Mack- She had some weird power where she could turn into ooze. That would have to come in handy at some point in the relationship. I can't write any more about her because if I do I will make a joke about seeing her "secret world". I don't want to stoop that low. This seems like a good place to also state this list applies to when all these characters turn 18. No Stat Rape here.
6. Rose from The Golden Girls- What the hell is with the Golden Girls references on here. Try to hit your target audience moron. Stop talking to yourself too. I don't care what you kids say, Betty White's still got it. Me, her, St. Olaf, and a bottle of wine. Perfection.
5.Veronica Mars- How can you not want to date her? She's smart, witty, hot, and can solve any mysteries you might have. The only mystery she may not be able to solve is how to get viewers since this show is on the bubble for renewal. I could just see me and Veronica now. Driving around in my van, solving mysteries with my dog, gay friend, nerdy pal, stoner bro, and slutty amiga. Just imagine. Going to amusement parks, hanging with the globetrotters and occasionally having a smaller some would say scrappier dog with us. It would be a great life.
4.Melody Hanson (Hey Dude)- Ted made a huge mistake going for Brad. Melody was by far the coolest girl on that ranch. Brad was a bitch. Plain and simple. I think Danny and Melody may have hooked up, I would know I worked there for a summer. I was young so I mostly hung out with Buddy, hence why you didn't see me.
3. Summer Roberts (The OC)- I always liked Summer; the character, well the season too. Summer went from a stuck up snob to every nerds dream when she hooked up with uber nerd Seth Cohen. She gave track jacket wearing, comic book collecting kids everywhere hope. I love girls with a little snap, crackle, and pop, Summer possessed all three. There are a lot of pretty girls, and smart girls, and funny girls. Very few are all three. Summer holds the torch as the poster child for these elusive women.
2. Sarah Reeves (Party of Five)- Sarah put up with Bailey's crap for far to long. Here is this hot girl who would do anything for Baily and he screws it up by making out with restaurant whores, developing an alcohol problem, and by trying to gain custody of Owen (which really made no sense). JLH is definetly one of my biggest Celrush's (Celebrity Crush). Anyone wanna sing How Do I Deal with me? It was a great song. She's so multitalented.
1. Topanga Lawrence (Boy Meets World) - Ok let me preface this by saying a lot of girls dislike Topanga. Why? She is ridiculously hot, she lets Cory hang out with Shawn, and looks the other way when Cory displays his homosexual tendencies. What more could you want in a girlfriend. Some people complain that she was too controlling. Well you know who else was controlling hitler and look how that turned out. Wait that proves the opposite point. Oh boy. Listen she was hot ok, what more do you want from me?? I love Topanga and you will have to decide right here and now if you can continue to read my blog knowing full well I have a huge crush on a fictional character from a mediocre show.
There you have it. Who is the worst girlfriend in television you ask? That's easy. Kelly Kapowski. That skank cheated on Zach with Jeff and I will always hate her. Get a handkerchief ready, you will need it.
Oh Dido you sing what I feel.
Agree/Disagree with the list, discuss below...
And now to the mailbag...
Anonymous asked about Norm McDonald- I don't know where he's been but I for one miss him. Dirty Work was highly underrated and I enjoyed the bits and pieces from his short lived television shows. He came out with another movie, Screwed, in 2000, it wasn't very good. He reminds me of Andy Richter in the sense that both are really funny but can't seem to find a consistent audience. Check out Andy's new show here.
Ryan asked if watching every episode of Dawson's Creek has helped me with the ladies- It hasn't. It probably hurt...a lot.
Bricks reader Tonya sent me a link to a sex doll. Trust me I already had the link...wink. Just kidding.
Send any questions you have my way and I will knock them out of the park, Albert Belle style. And that's all I wrote...