Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Top 10 Television Girlfriends


Holy bananas it is beautiful in New York right now. People are smiling, bums are being a little less surly, great time to be alive. The NCAA tourney starts today. I don't like to brag (ok I do BIG TIME) but the last two years I have picked 3 out of the 4 Final Four teams as well as the finals and overall winner. In case you’re looking for some last minute bracket info here are my final four picks (Kansas, Georgetown, Florida, and Louisville). Louisville was a tough choice, that second round match up with Texas A&M is a coin flip. What's that you don't care? Fair enough. Also in the sports world today, Pete Rose admitted that he bet on his team every night while manager for the Reds. In other news fire is hot and ice is cold. Duh Pete anymore blockbusters for us? Want to talk about how there might have been steroids in baseball? Right now we have bigger issues to discuss. Like: What television character would make the best real life girlfriend? Well it just so happens I made a list. I think I am an expert on the subject for the following reasons:

1. I have no life
2. I live a rich fantasy life
3. I spend an inordinate amount of time watching television
4. Whatever happened to Sixpence None the Richer? That's not a reason...but c'mon, did they fall off the earth?
5. My roommate is standing in front of me playing his guitar with one leg on the coffee table...literally like three feet from me. He's a dude. Weird.
6. I know a lot about women. Even though my life is very contradictory to that fact...here we go...

Top 10 TV Girlfriends:
In no particular order…except numerical...


10. Rory Gilmore- Rory not only goes to Yale but is also up on all the latest pop culture trends and music happenings...or so I heard. I don't watch the Gilmore Girls I'm a dude. Is it hot in here? Leave me alone. Oh she has a hot mom which is also a plus, especially if your life turns into some sort of weird lifetime movie starring Brian Austin Green.






9. Donna Pinciotti (That 70's Show)- Donna was a single man's dream. The hot girl next door who would hang out with your nerdy friends and then go out back and beat you in basketball. What Donna didn't know was that she was clearly adopted. There is no way Bob and Midge made her. All three look nothing alike. Awesome job casting department.






8. Daria- Ok I know what you’re thinking. Daria is a social outcast...outcast like a fox. She is smart, witty, and actually really funny when you get to know her. If you put some makeup on her and give her a tiny makeover she is a stone cold fox. Most guys would go for Brittany, but I'm a Daria man. You should date her, you know if you can get past dating a cartoon.






7.Alex Mack- She had some weird power where she could turn into ooze. That would have to come in handy at some point in the relationship. I can't write any more about her because if I do I will make a joke about seeing her "secret world". I don't want to stoop that low. This seems like a good place to also state this list applies to when all these characters turn 18. No Stat Rape here.






6. Rose from The Golden Girls- What the hell is with the Golden Girls references on here. Try to hit your target audience moron. Stop talking to yourself too. I don't care what you kids say, Betty White's still got it. Me, her, St. Olaf, and a bottle of wine. Perfection.








5.Veronica Mars- How can you not want to date her? She's smart, witty, hot, and can solve any mysteries you might have. The only mystery she may not be able to solve is how to get viewers since this show is on the bubble for renewal. I could just see me and Veronica now. Driving around in my van, solving mysteries with my dog, gay friend, nerdy pal, stoner bro, and slutty amiga. Just imagine. Going to amusement parks, hanging with the globetrotters and occasionally having a smaller some would say scrappier dog with us. It would be a great life.




4.Melody Hanson (Hey Dude)- Ted made a huge mistake going for Brad. Melody was by far the coolest girl on that ranch. Brad was a bitch. Plain and simple. I think Danny and Melody may have hooked up, I would know I worked there for a summer. I was young so I mostly hung out with Buddy, hence why you didn't see me.






3. Summer Roberts (The OC)- I always liked Summer; the character, well the season too. Summer went from a stuck up snob to every nerds dream when she hooked up with uber nerd Seth Cohen. She gave track jacket wearing, comic book collecting kids everywhere hope. I love girls with a little snap, crackle, and pop, Summer possessed all three. There are a lot of pretty girls, and smart girls, and funny girls. Very few are all three. Summer holds the torch as the poster child for these elusive women.




2. Sarah Reeves (Party of Five)- Sarah put up with Bailey's crap for far to long. Here is this hot girl who would do anything for Baily and he screws it up by making out with restaurant whores, developing an alcohol problem, and by trying to gain custody of Owen (which really made no sense). JLH is definetly one of my biggest Celrush's (Celebrity Crush). Anyone wanna sing How Do I Deal with me? It was a great song. She's so multitalented.






1. Topanga Lawrence (Boy Meets World) - Ok let me preface this by saying a lot of girls dislike Topanga. Why? She is ridiculously hot, she lets Cory hang out with Shawn, and looks the other way when Cory displays his homosexual tendencies. What more could you want in a girlfriend. Some people complain that she was too controlling. Well you know who else was controlling hitler and look how that turned out. Wait that proves the opposite point. Oh boy. Listen she was hot ok, what more do you want from me?? I love Topanga and you will have to decide right here and now if you can continue to read my blog knowing full well I have a huge crush on a fictional character from a mediocre show.

There you have it. Who is the worst girlfriend in television you ask? That's easy. Kelly Kapowski. That skank cheated on Zach with Jeff and I will always hate her. Get a handkerchief ready, you will need it.



Oh Dido you sing what I feel.

Agree/Disagree with the list, discuss below...

And now to the mailbag...

Anonymous asked about Norm McDonald- I don't know where he's been but I for one miss him. Dirty Work was highly underrated and I enjoyed the bits and pieces from his short lived television shows. He came out with another movie, Screwed, in 2000, it wasn't very good. He reminds me of Andy Richter in the sense that both are really funny but can't seem to find a consistent audience. Check out Andy's new show here.

Ryan asked if watching every episode of Dawson's Creek has helped me with the ladies- It hasn't. It probably hurt...a lot.

Bricks reader Tonya sent me a link to a sex doll. Trust me I already had the link...wink. Just kidding.

Send any questions you have my way and I will knock them out of the park, Albert Belle style. And that's all I wrote...

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was actually talking about Alex Mack the other day. I loved her sidekick.

p.s. what color underwear are you wearing? I'd like to think they are boxers with the South Carolina state flag on them. yes, no, maybe? think about it.

Micah said...

Highly disagree with Rory. I truly believe her AND her mother are two of the most annoying characters on TV. Ever notice every word they say has to be the funniest thing ever said out loud?? They bore me. I would vote Peggy Jean (Charlie Browns girlfriend) in place of Rory.

Emily said...

Oh how I miss the days of Zach and Kelly. I also miss Slater calling Jesse "mama" Question: did you prefer Topanga when she had crimped hair and answered every question in Mr. Feeny's class or when she straightened her hair, started wearing tighter clothes and talked about the mall a lot? And do you remember the episode where they moved in together and there were gunshots and babies crying in the hallway...where did they live? Compton or something?

Cory M. Mull said...

"That skank cheated on Zach with Jeff and I will always hate her."

Best line.

Also, a couple things:

1) I'm assuming you mean Topanga before she got fat? Right?

2)You're not a big Joey Potter fan, hm? Is it because she chose Pacey over Dawson? Personally, I always liked Pacey more than Dawson.

Go Duke.

Tanya said...

Wow, I fogot about "Hey Dude" I wonder if they have put the series out on DVD yet?

Nothing wrong with Rory and Lorilie (except I can never spell her name). What other show can cram two hours worth of converstaion into one?

Golden girls. It sure is nice that its become socially accpetable for older woman to day younger boys. :)

The Franchise said...

Wow let me answer some of these questions. Micah who the hell is Peggy Jean? Charlie Brown had a girlfriend?? Good for him. Emily I have to admit I started liking Topanga when she got hotter. I guess they lived in south philly when they moved in together. At first the place was all dangerous, then they painted it, and everything was fine. The show sure did teach us how to solve all of lifes problems. Cory how dare you call Topanga fat. She just put on the freshman 15. I actually had Joey for my top 10 worst gf's list (I had the list but the post was already to big). Yeah she's hot but she is way to complex to have a fun relationship. Tanya Hey Dude is available on DVD http://www.nickclassics.com/store/product.php?productid=20840
Did you know it had 5 seasons and 65 episodes. I might buy that. If they offered it with salute your shorts...wow. Thanks for commenting !!!

Anonymous said...

While Topanga finds ways to annoy viewers in every episode she is a good pick for the number one spot. As anyone else, she had her downfalls, (showing up to the party as "the french girl, breaking up with Corey because Angela broke up with Shawn, and having lips big enough to cover Mr. Eds teeth) but they are all negated because she put up with Corey and his weirdness for like 14 years. Glad to see Boy Meets World representation in the blogs!!

P.S. Believe it or not I have the same final four... I guess my older and wiser cousin taught me well.

Anonymous said...

Topanga? My brother loved her too. I never understood the allure!

Tanya said...

Charlie Brown didn't exactly have a girlfriend. He had a crush. Don't you remember hearing about "the little red-haird girl"?

stribe00 said...

Josh what about Pam from the office? I think she should qualify for something goshhh!

Anonymous said...

daria chicks are where it's at....

Anonymous said...

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Ryan ford said...

I think you're missing some key girlfriends up in this bitch. Monica was great to Chandler and they had a storybook romance...she even was supportive when that thing happened that doesn't happen to all guys. How about Dharma, she made Greg leave the stuffy suit and snobbery behind to live a life of spontaneity, pretty effin cool right? Pam Beasley technically doesn't count yet as she has not proven her worth as girlfriend...YET? Lets see, Carla from Cheers, Helent Hunt in Mad About You was good. My personal top pick is Carla from Scrubs...best girlfriend ever. She's so good to Turk even though the possibility of him running off with JD is always a liklihood.

PS If i could jump into a pool filled with clones of the ladies from GG I totally would. Double bagged of course.

R

booyah15 said...

you're spot on with Kelly..hot and dumb, but never put out. What's the draw? But Summer I have to disagree with. She and Cohen had nothing in common.

Bianca Reagan said...

You love Daria, Alex Mack, and Rose? I think I love you. Not in a creepy way. I don't even know you.

I must investigate those Hey Dude DVDs now.

Karen said...

So I may or may not have noticed tonight that you had more VM tags than Mandy Moore tags, and I may have hypothetically clicked on the VM tags and found this about a decade later.

Either way, still good reading. I would question Topanga's spot, and agree with your anon cousin's examples, but also b/c SHE FRIKKIN PROPOSED! Gross.