Tuesday, March 27, 2007
How To Be Cool...In 1990
A lot of people write to me and ask, "Josh you are a pretty cool guy, how do you do it?" Great question mom! Listen up and let me crack open an egg of knowledge all over you. Papa has been smooth since the days of underoos, but for everyone else out there who needs to be a little more Fonz and a little less Potsie, this is for you. I should warn you that this applies to 1990, which is when I was reaching the peak of my coolnicity (hey MS Word- coolnicity is a word and I will fist-fight you if you keep getting in the way of my quest to enrich the rather pedestrian vernacular of our generation). All of these pointers are based on the three coolest people I knew back in the day: Zack Morris, Parker Lewis, and Ferris Bueller. They were/are the epitome of cool, so they will be our models in achieving optimal coolocity (MS Word, Do you think I'm joking? I will not hesitate to give you a virus). Josh Sorokach Blogger will now transform into Josh Sorokach Life Coach. Transformers: Robots in disguise.
Step 1. Have a nerdy best friend. Screech and Cameron paved the way for the nerdy sidekick so it is now up to you to utilize the potential of having a nerdy companion. Nerds can do your homework, lend you their dad's priceless car, or dress up like the cleaning lady and record your friend singing in the bathroom. The possibilities are endless. The best part is they will do anything you ask of them just because you hang out with them. One possible detriment to this step is that you will sometimes have to protect them from a bully. I suggest acquiring a jock friend, preferably one that just transferred to your school and has a sweet man-perm.
Step 2. Become sworn enemies with the principal. Every hero needs an arch nemesis, yours should be the principal. Think about it. This guy is always trying to tell you where to be, what to do, and making you deliver his wife’s baby in an elevator. How dare he. Some suggestions to get on his bad side:
- Have your friend's estranged brother wreck his car
- Throw a birthday party in his office
- Mess up his vacation to Hawaii
- Or simply skip school and play an elaborate game of cat and mouse with him throughout your fun-filled day in Chicago.
You want him to dislike you, but not hate you. The kind of disdain where deep down he really loves and respects you. This will lead to a heartfelt hug on graduation day.
Step 3. Synchronize your watch. If you and your friends all have the exact same time on your watch it is really useful in carrying out crazy capers and hilarious schemes. It also gives you the opportunity to put all of your arms together and yell SYNCHRONIZE WATCHES and give whatever scam you’re pulling a funny name. Well worth it.
Step 4. Bend the space time continuum. This is not as hard as it sounds. When you're a cool guy all you need to do in order to freeze time is to smirk at the camera, put your hands in a T shape and say, “Time Out." While time is standing still it is a good idea to tell the audience what exactly you plan to do to fix the troublesome situation you find yourself in. Suppose you call "Time Out" after you hear about the girl of your dreams dating the school jock; you can let the audience know that if she dates him, she WON’T be able to date you. Audiences are dumb and sometimes they need that crystal-clear clarification.
Step 5. Know how to Dance. This seems like it wouldn’t be a big deal and normally it wouldn’t be. But riddle me this, what if you find yourself in the middle of a float during a parade and the song 'Twist and Shout' starts playing? Cool kids dance, nerds watch from afar and hang out with the cool kid’s girlfriend. Trust me, this happens more than you would think in the life of a cool kid. You should know how to sing as well. You never know when you or even your girlfriend will be in a band.
Step 6. Dress in Drag. You may think that everyone will recognize you because you look exactly the same, but they won’t. All you need is a wig, uneven boobs, an old lady dress, and fake glasses. Everyone you know will be none the wiser. Dressing in drag is the best way to spy on your friends without them noticing. Be prepared though. The first time the audience sees you they will think it is hilarious and will respond with a wooooooooooooo, followed by a delayed high pitched owwww.
Step 7. Talk to your audience. I know what you’re thinking, “If I turn away from the people I’m with and talk into an imaginary camera they will think I’m insane.” You could not be more wrong my friend. People are watching you. So please take a few seconds and recap the situation, make a witty observation, or give them a brief summary of your current predicament. Trust me, the ladies love it. Speaking of the ladies…
Step 8. Date a hot girl. This is a biggie. If you’re not dating a hot girl, who are you going to go to the local sock hop with? Who will make out with you in a museum? Cameron? Probably, but you don’t want to do that. Dating a hot girl is great, but don’t underestimate having brief romantic feelings for one of your other female friends. This love can be a welcome distraction, but make sure it doesn’t go on too long. Twenty-two minutes maximum. We can’t have any weird love triangles forming. Cool kids don’t do the love triangle. They do stand-alone episodic love that lasts one episode. Then they never speak of it again.
Step 9. Get your best friend in trouble, but take none of the responsibility. They’re NERDS, who cares if they get in trouble. You’re the cool one, look out for number one. Say you break a statue at your best friend’s house. To fix this problem you throw a party to make enough money to fix the statue and the party gets busted. DON’T WORRY. Dorks worry, you’re cool, relax. Worst-case scenario you can call a timeout and think it through. So what if your best friend ruined a 100,000 dollar car, he’s fine with it. When his dad gets home, they'll have a little talk about it. Problem solved.
Step 10. Wrap up every life lesson with a catchy phrase. So you got the girl, passed the test, won the game, or pulled off the prank. None of that matters unless you can look into that camera and spout off some clichéd remark about living life or getting by with the help of your friends. Cliches are your friends. Learn them, use them, and love them. Besides, life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.