Have you ever thought to yourself, "Patrick, (I'm just assuming that everyone who reads this blog is named Patrick) that Bricks Explode kid needs another blog that he can neglect"? If your answer to that question is yes then you are in luck Patrick. I have created yet another blog in which to ignore, infuriate the masses, and generally take away some of the allure and scholastic power of the term "College Graduate." This "concept blog" was created from a moment of pure tomfoolery while at work (and no, even though I used the term tomfoolery I do not work in 1920's Savannah Georgia).
A blogger (presumably named Carly) over at Carly Googlescredited Bricks Explode as a source when she Googled the term "who is valentino manic monday." To answer her musical query Carly used Bricks Explode and Wikipedia and when referencing her sites she wrote: Source: Bricks Explode, Wikipedia
Look at that. Read it again. Take that 8th grade math teacher who said that I would never amount to anything. "Josh has difficulty grasping the concept of Cosines"? Well you can Cosine my balls all the way to the bank. I'm living large next to Wikipedia! Ever heard of it?
I'm twenty seven years old and due to my rather acerbic temperament and deep affinity for both leisure activities and pajama pants I'm probably not going to get married or win an Emmy any time in the near future, so this is what I will celebrate at the start of 2010. When someone in the world needs unsubstantiated answers to nonsensical pop culture questions, I'm your guy.
Wow. I have taken breaks before, but three months? Yabba dabba to the doo that is a long time. To answer your first question: No, I am not pregnant. That last statement did however answer everybody's second question: Did you get any funnier in your absence? (a resounding no.)
How has everyone been doing these past three months? The explanation for my delayed hiatus from the blog world will be revealed in just a few moments (looks like someone has learned a little something about how to build suspense... thank you Phoenix University online writing class) but first I will answer a few reader emails that I have received in the past three months...
1. Karen: Yeah I've seen a few episodes, it's pretty good.
2. Tricia: Umm that is a tough one but I would probably have to say Community. Fantastic cast, fast paced, terrific writing.
3. Chester: It's been a little hit or miss but I love Seth Myers and Abby Elliott... but for two entirely different reasons.
4. Myspace: DailyComedy wants to be my friend on Myspace? That’s nice of them.
5. Tyson: Bobsledding of course 6. Clyde: The How of Happiness, Oliver Twist, The Book of Basketball and currently What the Dog Saw.
7. Tanner: No doubt it's Alison Brie from Community. She is adorable.
8. Ryan: Like I told Tyson, BOBSLEDDING.
Glad we finally got that squared away.
On a side note I would like to thank Gmail for letting me know that while I was writing this very sentence I have been signed out of my account. Thanks for politely suggesting that I save my work and paste it into a word document; very considerate of you Gmail. It’s the cyberspace equivalent of holding a door open for a lady; I’m a man but still, very thoughtful Google. If you didn’t have new pictures of Tara Reid naked in Playboy all over you right now I would kiss you on your breezily convenient internet searching mouth.
Now back to my unexplained absence. The reason for my hiatus is threefold. First off always assume that when I am not blogging it is due to the obvious, yet predictably trite, reasons that long time readers of mine would come to expect: apathy, drinking binge, computer virus brought on from downloading pirated episodes of Yes Dear, having to work late, and, in case there are any cute single girls in the NYC area reading this, helping sick kids.
The three dominant (yet strikingly unoriginal) reasons for my absence are as followed:
1. October – November was a very busy time for me at my real job. Dullness Level: 8 2. The “Words With Friends” App on my I-Phone. Dullness Level: Triple Word Score 7 3. I was writing a television pilot! Dullness Level: 1
Hypothetical reader question: Hey Josh! You're writing a pilot? That’s Great! Didn’t you also try to write a humor book earlier this year that ultimately ended up becoming an epic failure?
Yes, yes I did. Good memory HRQ. But in my defense… the humor book was not very good. I mean you can read some of those essays on this very “website.” Remember that whole “Great Gatsby playing kickball thing”? What was that even about? Seriously, it was a little out there. It’s like looking at an old high school photo of yourself and thinking, “What was I doing with that ridiculous hairstyle?” Except this hairstyle just happened six months ago.
*Long Sigh*
A few people have read my brand new spanking pilot and the results have varied between “Funniest thing I’ve read in awhile” to “Yes I’ve read your script… so your dad bought a new snow blower last week.” Life is good.
If anyone wanted to take a gander behind the curtain and read a draft of the pilot just let me know and I will email you a copy after the Christmas break.
So, in a nutshell, that is what I have been up to lately. Oh, I also went to a Knicks game, made out with a former reality star*, and joined Twitter (you can and WILLfollow me by clicking here).
What have you been up to? Drop me a line, shoot me an email, and let's become distant internet friends who exchange pleasantries and awkwardly stalk each other on Facebook. I’m psyched.
Merry Christmas to you, your loved ones, and the people that you only mildly dislike.
* A slanderous accusation that is patently untrue.
Fall, or "Autumn" as the grad school students of the world like to call it, is my favorite season of the year. Hooded sweatshirts, the return of football, track jackets, hot chocolate, foliage, excuse me while I channel my inner Julie Andrews, but these are a few of my favorite things (ironically I intensely dislike Brown paper packages tied up with strings... they're unnecessarily difficult to open, life's hard enough people just use normal wrapping paper!). But my absolute favorite thing about the fall is the arrival of the new television season. Finally we can all dispose of the studious act and stop pretending to actually enjoy the company of televisions uglier third cousin... books. All those countless summer nights spent outside soaking up the sun Sheryl Crow style were all just a precursor to the unquenchable thirst known as the new fall television season. To borrow a quote from Jules Harbor, "Somebody hold me up."
Since there is no accurate qualitative way for me to measure my personal affinity for my favorite returning television shows I will rank them from one to ten based on personal watchability. Basically, if I could watch only one show this year it would be the show ranked number one on my list. If I could watch two shows this year, it would be my number one ranked show and my number two ranked show. If I could watch one hundred shows this year... I still would not watch Vampire Diaries. Seriously ladies, make no mistake about it, if vampires were living among us they would not be brooding and sensitive, they would drink your blood and then murder you. Murder is not romantic. You want to know what is romantic? Picnics. Have fun trying to get your stupid vampire boyfriend to take you on a picnic. I would take you on a picnic... just saying.
Before we get to the official rankings that have been eagerly anticipated by no one, here are a few secondary rankings: New Shows that I am actually going to watch:
1. Community. NBC. The Soup's Joel McHale, Chevy Chase, and 2009 Bricks Explode "Crush of the Year" nominee Gillian Jacobs star in this witty NBC comedy about a bunch of misfits attending a community college. Seeing as how I am a well respected journalist I was able to watch an advanced screening of the pilot (okay it was available on Facebook, why can't you just let me have my self diluted dreams? Who am I hurting?) and it was hilarious. Hmm the pilot was hilarious? It's a wonder why more people don't seek out my expert analysis considering the riveting insight I just imparted on all of you.
2. Bored to Death. HBO.
Jason Schwartzman, Zach Galifianakis, and Ted Danson? Sign me up and you see that key over there? No, it's behind the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I don't know why the key was behind the cereal but, just forget about that for now, do you see the key? You do? Throw it away! That's how much I am looking forward to watching this show. Hey where are you going? Don't literally throw my apartment key away, what's wrong with you? It's just an expression.
3. Glee. Fox. I honestly had no idea that this show existed until I signed on to Facebook on Wednesday night and read that apparently every twenty something actor I know was counting down the hours until this show. So I DVR'ed it, watched it, and enjoyed it. Glee, you have a season pass on my DVR. Don't eff it up.
2009 Shows I have given up on:
1. Smallville 2. Gossip Girl 3. Grey's Anatomy 4. The OC Season 3
Could it be? The unceremonious end to the once beautiful Josh/CW relationship seems to be upon us. What's that? One Tree Hill is back for season 57? I'm back baby!
Alright so it's now time for the 2009 returning shows that I'm excited for, and let's do this descending style in order to build suspense.
Ten through seven: NBC Thursday night lineup (The Office, SNL Weekend Update, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, and the aforementioned Community)
I love the new Thursday night lineup on NBC! Also, I truly believe my previous statement, I didn't just write that because I used to work for NBC. Okay, okay, intern for NBC, but I still received a paycheck so it was sort of like a job... alright it wasn't so much a paycheck as it was a travel stipend that I got reimbursed for when I provided a subway receipt. What are you people writing a book? Leave me alone.
While The Office is no longer "mandatory scheduled viewing" it's still one of the best comedies on television. I thought Parks and Recreations was a very underrated comedy last year and rumors of its supposed lack of humor were greatly exaggerated. I'm excited to see what the writers will do with a full season, not to mention a cast that includes Amy Poehler, Aziz Ansani, Rashida Jones, and Chris Pratt. If I was a betting man I'd say always bet on black; I'd also say that it's a safe bet that this show will be around for years to come. 6. How I Met Your Mother
Ahh How I Met Your Mother, the show that most closely resembles my life. Not in one of those pompous "Oh my God that show is JUST LIKE MY LIFE" ways, but in a, "Hey I'm also looking for love in the city while creating stupid theories/nicknames/games with my friends while spending an inordinate amount of time at a bar" sort of way. Extremely smart show that is probably the closest thing on television to what it is really like to be a twenty something single guy in New York City... well until my show comes out next fall: Josh Sorokach Cryings for Winners. Maybe that's not so much a television show as it is a one act play, a one act play that is performed over and over again every night in my apartment. Moving on... 5. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
I have a hard time trying to understand the identity of It's Always Sunny within our cultural zeitgeist. Is it underrated? A cult classic? An underground show whose primary audience consists of 18-36 guys? Regardless of it's cultural identity It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the funniest half hour show on television. Yes funnier than The Office. Well written, extremely well acted, and an unapologetic realness that most shows lack make It's Always Sunny the most enjoyable half hour on television. 4. Chuck
Last year Chuck moved up in my personal rankings to the "Must Watch the Same Day it's on" level. Big time stuff. The Television show Chuck does everything right and is one of those rare hour long comedies that mix in just the right amount of drama. Sometimes, when I wear my converse sneakers, I pretend I'm Chuck. Just kidding. Okay, no I'm not. Chuck is a very believable, and hence likable, character. He's just a normal guy who, through a series of comical mix ups, becomes a spy; escapism at it's finest. Also, in true Josh Schwartz form, this show boasts a killer soundtrack and is overflowing with OC alumni. Last years season finale was one of my personal favorite television episodes from the 2008 season. If you don't already, do yourself, and America, a favor and watch Chuck.
3. Dexter
How do you make an already fantastic television show even better? Add John Lithgow! If anyone even dares to try and dance this season on Dexter Lithgow will kill them... literally.
Awful, awful, stupid, awful joke. I'm going to go drink ten beers so that I can black out and forget that I ever wrote that. Pressing forward... 2. Friday Night Lights
The best show you're not watching. Once again you will be able to find new episodes of FNL's on Direct TV this fall and then on NBC next summer. Other than Lost, Friday Night Lights is the absolute best drama on television. Ladies don't let the football thing deter you from a pleasurable viewing experience. This show isn't about football, it's about people. You're a person right? So seemingly this is the perfect show for you! How hard is it to just watch a show? You just sit down and stare, that's it. I'm not asking you to build me a bridge or mine for gold, I'm just asking you to watch a television show... FOR YOUR OWN PLEASURE. I'm trying to help you. Help me to help you, help me to help you. I love Jerry Maguire, I'm actually surprised that nobody has tried to make that movie into a television show yet. What are we talking about again? Ahh yes, watch Friday Night Lights.
1. Lost
Oh Jack. You screwed things up with Kate so how are you going to fix it? By blowing up a hydrogen bomb of course! I love this show. Love it. My favorite show of all time. Now granted I was late to the Lost party (only started watching it last year, but quickly caught up) but I have never been more excited for a season of a television show to start. Are they all going to be in LA? The Island? 1977? Absolutely anything is possible. Lost continues to be the smartest television show ever made (sorry Small Wonder) and I absolutely can not wait to see how it all ends.
What shows are you looking forward too? Is there a show that I should be watching? Let me know! Have a good week party people...
I. Your “target” weight II. Anything that has to do with your child if said child is under the age of four. Kids are cute; they say funny things and spill their dinner. We’ve all seen Look Who’s Talking, we get it. III. Anything about or physically relating to coupons. IV. Any weekend activities that include Bed Bath and Beyond, IKEA, or the family portraits department at Sears. V. Your Book club. You’re not Oprah; not even a little bit. VI. Your dogs “hilarious” tricks. If they’re not good enough for Letterman they’re probably not good enough to regale your co-workers with at the water cooler. VII. That Lifetime original movie that you saw last night. VIII. Your thoughts on the comparable safety issues of Minivans and Volvos. IX. What you can or cannot knit. X. Your weekend trip to Gettysburg Pennsylvania. XI. Your analysis of the new Cyndi Lauper CD. XII. Whether or not you find Seth Rogan funny. You’re an accountant. My guess is that quantifying humor is probably not in your wheel house. Do you think people ask Seth Rogan how to set up a hedge fund? No. Nobody wants to hear your articulation on why Liar Liar was a funnier movie than Pineapple Express. XIII. Processing fees. Nobody really understands them so we definitely don’t want to talk about them. XIV. The performance of the tires on your car. C’mon does that sound like a topic of conversation you would like to have with someone you are forced to spend forty hours a week with? XV. If you went to the gym last night. No one cares backwards hat guy. Go watch a football game. XVI. Who left a dirty dish in the sink. Really? You’re still talking about this? It’s been fifteen minutes. How has someone not beaten you with a log? XVII. Are Roman Numerals pretentious? XVIII. Your Christmas ornament collection. XIX. How you don’t need to water your pet cactus. Yeah, it’s a cactus we understand the concept. XX. That time you met Mark-Paul Gosselaar at Chipotle. I highly doubt that was him. XXI. How if the post office doesn’t mark the stamps on your incoming mail you can tear them off and reuse them. I know times are tough but c’mon, seriously? Should we start reusing tissues now too? Who even uses stamps anymore? Ever heard of email old timer? It can be found on that big box that your kids use in the corner of your family room. XXII. How your VHS tapes are now “useless.” Or if your co-worker was in a coma for fourteen years: how cassette tapes are now “useless.” XXIII. Photos from any vacation you have ever been on. XXIV. How much salt someone should have in their diet. Are you a doctor or a sales assistant? If you’re a doctor lets chat about the pros and cons of salt intake right here right now, but if you’re a sales assistant how about you go finish your online scrabble game. You’re up. Last word played was “loser.” XXV. What happened on Survivor last night... or ever. XXVI. How you have a box of old recorded 20/20 episodes in your attic. That may be the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life. XXVII. I can sort of understand where The Unibomber was coming from.
Charlie: Benny Tommy: Hmm okay… I’ll take…Claire Charlie: Alright I guess I pick Jay. Jay Gatsby: Thanks for the vote of confidence old sport. Charlie: Well there was no one left. Jay Gatsby: Right Charlie: You know how to play kickball right? Jay Gatsby: But of course. You see back in the day a young Dan Cody and I used to a play a form of kickball while we were out sailing the open seas. Charlie: How did you play kickball on a sailboat? Jay Gatsby: How does one really do anything old sport? Charlie: Please stop calling me old sport.
Benny: Who is this guy? Charlie: Relax Benny we need a twelfth player. Jay Gatsby: And a twelfth player you have received… Jay Gatsby walks over to put his arm around Charlie and stubs his toe… Jay Gatsby: Oh frick my toe! That’s going to scuff up the old loafers. Charlie: Frick?
Benny: (Looking at his I-Phone) You know Jay, I can’t find you anywhere on Facebook… Jay Gatsby: That’s odd. Charlie: Try searching under “James Gatz.”
Thirteen seconds later…
Jay Gatsby: I need to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: Jesus Christ Gatsby! This is why you were picked last! Jay Gatsby: I'll hold it. Charlie: Thank you. Jay Gatsby: Say Old Sporrr… Charlie Glares at Jay Gatsby
Jay Gatsby: Say Charles do you think, perchance, that Ms. Buchanan will be in attendance today to partake in the viewing of our little sporting event? Charlie: Who?
Jay Gatsby: Why the radiant Daisy Buchanan of course! Charlie: No dude, she's probably going to be hanging out with Tom... her husband. Jay Gatsby: Oh.
Charlie: I'm sorry Jay, I didn't mean that. Jay Gatsby: No you're right she is married. Hey Charles… Charlie: Yes? Jay Gatsby: Would you have… well if he was here of course, would you have selected Tom ahead of me?
Charlie: Absolutely. The mans a stallion.
Benny: Why does your Facebook status say, “Trying to harness the power of that evanescent green light”? Sounds a little gay. Jay Gatsby: My butler said it possessed a poetic tone. 15 seconds of awkward silence Jay Gatsby: Have you guys ever seen the TV show Lizzy McGuire? It’s pretty good. 15 more seconds of awkward silence
Benny: So um… what is the deal with you and this Daisy chick?
Charlie: Benny don’t… Jay Gatsby: I met the enigmatic Daisy Buchanan while stationed in Louisville back in the year… Charlie: Alright Gatsby can we cool it with the all the Daisy talk? We’re here to play kickball. Jay Gatsby: Of course, sorry old sport. Charlie takes out a blue PowerAde and takes a sip. Jay Gatsby: Would anyone care for a Gin Rickey? It’s really no trouble; all I need to do is text my butler and I’m sure he’ll bring them right over… Jay Gatsby takes out his phone and yells into the receiver Jay Gatsby: Three Gin Rickey’s Milton!
Charlie: That’s not how you text someone Gatsby, plus we’re not allowed to have any alcohol; this is a public park. Jay Gatsby: Oh I see.
Charlie: And we’re twelve years old.
Jay Gatsby: Right.
Benny: Do you have any Mike’s Hard Lemonade? Charlie: Benny! Jay Gatsby: Not presently but here’s my business card. Jay Gatsby hands Benny his business card Benny: Sweet. Jay Gatsby: Sweet indeed. Charlie takes another sip of his PowerAde
Jay Gatsby: May I have a sip of your blue liquid?
Charlie: Umm… I only have the one... so…
Jay Gatsby: Oh.
Charlie: Sorry. Benny: You guys ready to play?
Charlie: Yep! Are you ready Jay? Jay Gatsby turns his back to the other boys Charlie: Jay, are you crying?
Jay Gatsby: No, I just have something in my eye.
Charlie: Would it make you feel any better if I gave you a sip of my PowerAde?
Jay Gatsby: Perhaps. Jay Gatsby takes a swig from Charlie’s bottle of PowerAde
Charlie: Are you ready to play? Jay Gatsby: You know people used to refer to me as “Great.”
